Working Hard

No, I didn't forget I had a blog. Life just happened. It's already been a busy time, but it's about to get even more busy. Argh.

I had a tryout for Jeopardy! last week in NYC. It was so much fun! I am exhausted from the trip, but really glad I did it. It's one more thing I never thought I would get to do that I've done now. :-)

Lately, since the second bout of the flu, I can't seem to feel better or get enough rest. Work, even though it is a slow time right now, has become more of a challenge than before. Now I feel like I just want to go home, put something in the microwave and just vegetate. I don't. I make an effort to cook dinner and meet up with people and do things. Sometimes, I wonder why. I just want it to be like it was when I first graduated from college. I was so much better off then. I guess I will be better about this when I get accustomed to new normal. Right now, though, it's crummy.

Sometimes, I wonder if trying so hard is even worth it. Why can't I just fold the cards I was dealt and get new ones? Wouldn't that be nice? I'm tired of pushing. I'm tired of doctors. I'm tired of trying to play normal. I know I shouldn't hold myself to some "ideal" or "normal" that I can't attain, but it is difficult not to. It's hard not to say "well, that person seems to be able to do that just fine, why can't I?" It's hard not to wonder if there is a way to make life easier. There really isn't. And it's not as if I can stand on some street corner and proclaim how awesome it is that I am just able to make it through another week.

Sometimes, I wish more people could see and appreciate how hard it is.

Then my mom sends me this "Honey I love you so much and am proud of the way you work so hard at having a good life. I know it isn't easy." Somehow, it helps.